Long time, no... time?

Well, I havent posted in a long time, and honestly. I dont know of anyone who regularly reads this so I dont even feel bad about not posting. However, This is not one of my posts. It may seem like it in a wierd resembling kind of way but its definitely not a post. IN FACT If it is ANYTHING it is an ANTI-post. A post about not posting.

Gah, well. Take it sleazy, America.

BAM! IN YOUR FUCKIN FACE!

I FUCKING LOVE Girlscout Cookies. And that doesnt have some sort of hidden meaning. Every year for some reason I am surprised by the arrival of these legendary delicious snacks. HOWEVER, the only ones I can stomach are these. The Samoas. Enjoy, America.

Barack Obama

I love this guy. I dont even know anything about his platform. But check out this face. I like a president who can have a face that says:
"What... the FUCK... did you just say to me?"

How to

I'm walking in the book store and I see standard books with standard titles. And I cant help but notice the amount of books that begin with "How to". EVEN books that have no intention of telling you how to do anything. This is just the authors way of saying:

"Hello consumer. I see you're on your way to purchasing a book. Well why not buy this one? After all, look at how clever the author is by deciding to label it a how to book when clearly its not. OH I'VE PULLED A FAST ONE ON YOU, CONSUMER! MY CLEVERNESS AND CAPACITY FOR WIT KNOWS NO BOUNDS! Surely I'm going to win some sort of prize for my originality. Oh, wait. Hold on a second. It appears that EVERY OTHER GODDAMN BOOK is using the same failing attempt at humor. I guess I'm a douchebag after all."

Anyways, I'm sure that goes through the mind of every author at some point.

After all, who needs a book to figure out how to live. wtf.

Genius Idea

Ok, Its been an interesting holiday season. But all that's over now, I got a kick ass watch and we're moving on.

A friend of mine sent me an activity invite on facebook. Apparently the creator of this activity has promised to release wolves into the superbowl so long as he gets 50,000 members who join his group.

This has easily got to be the most creative, interesting, and hilarious idea that anyone has put forth. I love it, I have joined this group and I encourage all others to do so as well. I am simply awe-struck at the possibilities. I really really really really hope this guy is serious. But he probably isn't. But guess who's tuning into the superbowl this year to find out. This guy.

Posting Blogs

Jesus. These morons post their online diaries for the world to see, while all the while forgetting. No one really cares about other people. I mean, do you really think someone would rather read about the horrors and tragedies of your life when they could simply prattle on about something completely ridiculous or insubstantial?
Everyone is just looking out for number one. Themselves. The sooner you people realize that the sooner we can clear up the polluted internet to be replaced with something more worthwhile.

I don't even like the WORD "Blog".

The word "Madam"

This (no shit) happened to me about a month ago and I've been letting it turn into a festering, homicidal ball of rage. So, naturally, I feel I can share it with you.

I was discussing something inane with my uncle and it was going something like like "Oh, this weather?" "Yeah, weather-zzzsszzs" "Weather yeah, zxzsssszzsszszs".
When my Aunt walks into the kitchen where we are talking and decides to get herself something to drink.

Something to know about Americans is that we don't use the word "Madam" no matter what. Unless we're referring to female prostitute wranglers in the 1920's and prior. HOWEVER. The word "Ma'am" is used regularly as a polite substitute.

My Aunt turns to me while she is getting something out of the fridge and says "Do you want something to drink?"
Me being the clever jokester that I am, slap on my best 'British gentleman' voice and say "No, Thank you Madam. I'm fine."

(Five second pause.)

Uncle: Don't you call my wife a Madam.

Me: Sorry? (regular voice)

Uncle: Don't call her a Madam. It's rude.

Me: (a little confused) Rude? I was under the impression that was polite.

Uncle: Do you even know what that word means??

Me: Yes, its a word that is used to respectfully address older women. Like Senora in spanish.

Uncle: No, It means whore.

Me: ...

Uncle: ...

It dawns on me at this point that he has no idea that it could possibly have a meaning other than the one he just told me. As if the word "madam" was designed specifically as a designate for hookers.

Me: The word "Ma'am" comes from the word "madam" and its widely accepted.

Uncle: "Ma'am" is fine, but don't you ever call my wife a madam again.

Me: You aren't being serious right? I mean, this is a joke?

Uncle: I'm not joking and can we just stop talking about it.

I know, He's family and I love him. But what the FUCK?! I had just left it alone at that point when I realized he would refuse to listen to reason.
People who are his age (in their 50's) should know things like this. Right? They shouldn't need a 20-something to explain it and then completely refuse to listen to a logical and at least marginally thought out explanation.

I blame the whole "redneck mentality". Having grown up away from all that, I developed what I like to consider closer to reality as opposed to an institutionalized view of the world. His whole environment is catered to similar ignorance. So, why should he be the different?